It was an epic battle between crucifixes and deified baked goods vs. grape juice and dildos in Oklahoma City on Sunday night—and while it's unclear which side won in the fight over the "black mass", we know for certain that (as always happens when alleged adults engage in such fights) dignity and enlightenment once again went down to a crushing defeat.

The black mass—a satanic parody of the Catholic Eucharistic mass and easily the biggest religious event to hit the Sooner State since God almost called Oral Roberts home…but didn't—on Sunday evening at the Oklahoma City Civic Center's City Space Theater only drew a little bit less than half as many attendants as expected (out of 88 tickets sold, only about 42 people actually showed up), but still went off essentially without a hitch despite the protests of around 1,600 people gathered outside the city-owned facility to say prayers and sing songs in hopes that the Devil didn't come to Oklahoma.

Convicted sex offender Adam Daniels and five other members of the group Dakhma of Angra Mainyu Syndicate—along with an unidentified metal band—entertained and educated the dozens in attendance about the history of the black mass, which he says started back in the 1300's by naughty Catholic priests and nuns, and to warn any disruptive elements in the crowd not to mess with his religious…thing.

From the Oklahoman:

"If you're here to disrupt things, get out. If you don't like me and you don't like my background, get out. We're here to educate," he said. "Yes, we're anti-Catholic. Yes, we're anti-Christian in general, but that doesn't mean I don't respect each person as individuals so I expect that same respect."

According to the play-by-play of the event from the Oklahoman, Daniels—clad in a black robe—led his wife out to an altar, where she laid down on her back and spread her legs, which were bent at the knee. He then placed a chalice full of grape juice on the table between her legs, then took a piece of black bread (likely pumpernickel—easily the most evil of the common sandwich breads) which was supposed to symbolize Christ and stomped on it.

At this point, the story starts to remind me a bit of the time I saw a band called The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black at an awful Kansas City dive bar about 15 years ago. It was a great show—the highlight of which was when the mostly-naked lead singer started smashing eggs on her crotch and throwing the shells and yolk out into the crowd.

Or, there was also this other punk band out of San Francisco called The Insaints that…well…you'll just have to look them up for yourselves. It'd probably be best if you weren't at work when you did it, though.

Now THOSE are the bands Daniels should have got for this little shindig—natural-born shit-flinging hell-raisers, utterly unconcerned by public decency laws and the other conventions of civil society who would have given Oklahoma residents (both holy and unholy) all the honest-to-God high art filth and outrage they could ever hope to see in a single lifetime.

But alas, The Insaints broke-up and/or overdosed long ago and The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black must have had other plans on Sunday night because somebody just hit play on the theme from "The Exorcist" instead as the group paid homage to the Devil.

Again, from the Oklahoman:

"We call upon the Morning Star, Beelzebub, Lord of Regeneration, Angel of Destruction, Leviathan, Beast of Revelation, Demon of Lust ... and all the nameless and formless ones," Daniels said.

Shortly thereafter, one of the participants started waving a big rubber dildo at the audience, blessing them with "the symbol of the rod of life."

Meanwhile—as the satanists carried on with their pageant to things typically only imagined when ditch-weed smoking teenagers chug Dextromethorphan and play Iron Maiden albums backwards—a much larger crowd of nearly 1,600 had gathered outside to protest the black mass.

The peaceful song and prayer protests were part of a curious effort by the Diocese of Oklahoma to publicize the black mass to the point where one might honestly wonder if both sides were actually working together to bring in their respective flocks.

Previous black mass events at the Civic Center actually drew ZERO attendees, yet rather than let that trend continue the diocese went out of their way to make sure that the event received way more media attention than ever before, essentially guaranteeing a sellout—even if only half the people who bought tickets showed up.

The buildup to the event reached a fever pitch when Oklahoma Archbishop Paul Coakley filed a lawsuit against the satanists to demand they return a consecrated Eucharistic Host—essentially a piece of prayed-over bread that Catholics believe turns into the actual body of Christ when eaten—that they claim had been stolen from the church.

Daniels denied that the bread was stolen, and that he had obtained it from a Catholic priest in a foreign country, but he eventually returned it to church officials to prevent further legal obstacles.

Coakley led a special prayer session prior to the Black Mass on Sunday afternoon for an overflow crowd of worshippers, saying that a war was being waged against the Devil—and now the Devil has his evil eyes on the largest city in Oklahoma.

"Your presence here today is a powerful witness of your faith in the midst of a challenging time for our community," Coakley told the faithful gathered at St. Francis of Assisi Catholic Church, the Oklahoman reports.

"Our city has been targeted by dark forces," he told the crowd.

But as evening fell, the songs and prayers faded away as the protesters finally wandered from the Civic Center and back to where they came. There were no open pits spitting forth curtains of brimstone and perdition's flames to be found, and nary a single cloven-hoofed demon could be seen dancing about the streets of downtown Oklahoma City—and from all reports, nobody seemed any more or less possessed than they were before the event took place.

So who won in the end? Did the devil get beat back by the prayers of the righteous, or did Jesus lose the hearts and minds of Oklahomans to Satan? Or should all the "adults" involved in this shit show to see who believes in the scarier monsters be a bit ashamed of themselves?

God only knows.

Image via YouTube